Today would be Mom's 81st birthday. I so wish she was here to celebrate that...
Every year, since she has been gone, I allow myself total indulgence on this day- I'm always lazy, I usually go to the movies, and sometimes, someone I love tags along with me for at least part of the day. I keep Mom in mind the whole day. I'm kind to myself. And each year, it's gotten easier.
Oddly, this year, I have a sort of busy day- and it's completely different than the others have been.
I have to go back in for a mammogram (and yes, I chose this day because I know I will have an angel watching over me). Later in the afternoon, I'm going to a friend's graduation from chef school. Then, later this evening, I have a neighborhood Christmas party to go to. Other than the mammo, all of it sounds fun for sure, but it's not by any means, my usual day of self love and care, designed to keep me from wallowing in the sadness of missing Mom.
And that all makes sense to me. Because I don't worry that I will wallow in my sadness of missing her anymore. Although of course I wish she was here- of COURSE I do, every. single. day!, I'm not sad. The days of meltdowns seem to be gone. That doesn't mean I don't tear up and sometimes cry when I'm having a moment I know she would love, or whatever, but I am very much at peace with how life has moved on.
And life does move on. Thank God.
I remember, shortly after she died, when the rest of the world seemed to be "going on" before I was ready, and I felt like I needed the world to just stop... or at least slow way down. But it's the human condition to recover, and find joy in life again. And I have.
Having loved Mom so much and having counted on her being around far longer than she actually was, has hard and great lesson that no one, no matter how much we love them, will be around forever. And although that sucks, it also is a good way of keeping in touch with enjoying whoever and whatever is in the present moment.
Today, she's be saying, "Good for you for getting that mammogram!", and she'd be telling me to go off and have fun with my friends later in the day. And I totally will! Cheers to you, MOM!