80

Today is Mom's birthday.  She would be 80 if she were still around today.

I wonder so many things related to her~

Like really... is there a heaven?  Is that where she went? Or did she come back as someone else here on Earth?  And if so, will I ever find that person? I guess it's now proven to me that there is no such thing as ghosts... Because certainly, if it were possible, she would have visited me by now.  Or maybe those dreams I've had of her are real, and she has visited me- just not in a ghostly form.  She probably knew I'd get scared if she appeared as a ghost. There's only been one dream she came to me in that she did NOT have cancer anymore.  In all the others, she still had it, but had some time left.  And in the moment, even that was enough. Just a little more time with her.  What I wouldn't give for that...

I also wonder how losing her in my mid-30s changed me and the course of my life.  And how losing her changed the dynamic of our small family.  How exactly would things be different if she were still here?

I also wonder, what would she be like, as an 80 year old woman.  That sounds old, but Mom could have probably made it seem very youthful, if she'd had the chance. 

All I know for sure is that I love Mom. Wherever she is, wherever she went. 

Cheers, Mom- I know 80 would have looked great on you!