I've felt a little disenchanted with performing out much, after years of gigging. Other than a few gigs here and there where I play primarily coversongs for mainly non-listeners, I've stopped performing.
And oddly, I've also stopped writing. For probably the past year or so, I've only written bits and pieces of songs. I never seem to sit with these little bits long enough to make them complete songs. I haven't been too inspired-- Partly because I no longer plan to play them out in front of an audience.
The other day, someone had called me about a songwriter performance gig. As usual, my initial response was, "No thanks, I'm not doing those right now." But the man so nicely encouraged me, without being pushy. It ended up being something that fell through on the venue's part before I had a chance to either say yes or no as my final answer. But in his final email to me, he said, "I sure hope you continue writing music."
And I realized, songwriting itself is something that I've never gotten tired of, or felt beaten down by. It's always felt good when I do it. In fact, it's one of my favorite things to do. I feel like it's when I'm totally and completely honest in my expression. I had it in my head that songwriting and performing those songs go hand in hand.
But they don't have to.
Today, maybe because of that man's one sentence, "I sure you hope you continue writing music", I got out my guitar and my journal and I wrote a song. I sat with it until it was finished. I even recorded it on my little handheld recorder so I wouldn't forget my melody tomorrow. (Which can happen, even when I'm sure I will remember my melody!)
A few nights ago, coincidentally (or not), I had gotten out some books about my Logic software (what I use for home studio recording), and realized I barely remember my way around in my studio at all. It seemed like a fun, and exciting endeavor to crack open the books and dive back into learning that software.
And then today, I just got a voicemail from the salesperson I bought all that software from, just checking in to see if I needed anything. It was a sales call, I know. But to me, it felt like a sweet and gentle little whisper from the Universe. Reminding me that I am a songwriter. Even if I'm the only one who hears my songs for now.